The Macbeths at the counsellor
‘I do want to be king, but is the title worth the killing?’
Santiago Siabato | 4 December 2017

A well-lit room. There is a sofa, two swirly chairs and a desk with a bulky computer on top of it. Sitting on one of the chairs is Audrey Lovemender the most famous couples’ counsellor in the UK. She has a glass of ‘water’ in hand, her eyes are tired and her hair is messy from a hard day’s work. She has been asked to talk to Macbeth, (informally known as Harold) and his dearest wife, Lady Macbeth (informally known as Judith) to solve some recent relationship issues.

ENTERS MACBETH

MACBETH: Good evening. Thank you for agreeing to talk to my wife and I at such short notice

She smiles softly and nods to the sofa. Macbeth gives a befuddled smile and sits.

Well, Miss Lovemender, I do have to say that things in the Macbeth household haven’t been as good as they once were ever since those witches predicted that I was going to become King. From the moment I told my wife, she’s become filled with completely demented ideas. SHE EVEN SUGGESTED WE MURDER OUR KING!

Audrey gasps loudly

In order to become king, I would have to eliminate all my competition. I do want to be king, but is the title worth the killing? I hope not, Audrey, because I tell you, killing my king is punishable by treason. I do not want to end up like the last Thane of Cawdor!

Or perhaps I am being too soft? My wife always tells me I’m too soft... Do you think I’m soft, Audrey? Oh of course you don’t. You are too kind, my darling Audrey. Maybe she wants me to know that she knows I know about her master plan, or she wants me to-

Audrey gets up from her chair.

Audrey:  I’m sorry but, as much as I am enjoying you expressing your delusional hypothesis, it is unfortunately your time to leave…

Macbeth: Oh? But I thought that it was an hour appoint-

Audrey pushes him out the door

Audrey: Okay! Nice seeing you! Goodbye!

Audrey gives off a sigh of relief

ENTERS LADY MACBETH:

LADY MACBETH: Apologies for my exasperating husband.

Audrey: Oh, that’s quite alright love, I get much worse than him on a daily basis.

Lady M: Right. Well I did want to talk to you about my hubby Harold.

Audrey: Of course, dear! Anything for you.

Lady M: Oh, you are too kind.

Audrey: Oh Judy... please, it’s my pleasure.

Lady M: Well thank you. Oh, and for your information, if you call me Judy again I’ll have my executioner pay you a visit. Only close friends call me Judy or Judith -I have standards, darling, standards.

Audrey: Apologies umm... Lady Macbeth.

Lady M: Right, well I must tell you my dear Audrey that our relationship issues began on January 12th, 1606. I saw a spider in our kitchen, wretched little creature. So, naturally, I go and wake Harold up from his nap and ask him  if he would ever so valiant to go and kill the tiny spider for me. Little did I know we would end up on a 2-hour argument on whom should kill this, if I may so stress, PETITE darling, PETITE! spider.

Shouting from the corridor very faint:

Macbeth: In my defence, the spider could have been poisonous.

Lady m: Shush now, Harold!

Macbeth: Sorry Judith. (very faint)  

Lady M: Anyway, continuing on rapidly my dear, rapidly, I told him to squish the despicable thing. Luckily for me, I am a very determined woman Audrey, and I always get what I desire,

Audrey gulps.

So, I hope this provides sufficient explanation as to why I refuse to wait in the castle like an imbecile for everyone to die in 50 years or so, when I can just get my hubby to kill them all tomorrow evening.

Macbeth: I heard that.

Lady M: OH, WOULD YOU BE QUIET HAROLD?!!?

Macbeth: Sorry Judith.

Lady Macbeth: You see, this is why my dear Audrey I knew I should have run away with that Spanish explorer.

Lady Macbeth takes a minute or two reminiscing about her lost love

Audrey: Ummm…my lady?

Lady M: OH! My apologies Audrey. How long have you been staring at me? Although, who wouldn’t love to spend time staring at me, I mean come on darling, admit it, I’m fabulous!

Audrey nods and turns away awkwardly

Lady M: Well, overall, my dearest Audrey, I just wish that Harold had the stomach to be a bit more inhuman and evil. First we shall kill the king and then - THE WORLD!

Lady M maniacally laughs for a minute or so, Audrey hurriedly sneaks out the room

Lady M: And then, my dear Audrey, we shall be the only two left on the…

Lady Macbeth looks back at Audrey’s chair and notices that she has disappeared!

Oh!

Lady Macbeth looks at the audience with her eyebrows raised.

Where’d she go?!

Lady Macbeth notices that she has escaped.

Lady M: HAROLD! This ones run off as well…

MACBETH ENTERS ROOM

Macbeth: See honey, you need to be less manipulative and power crazed.

Lady Macbeth glares at him.

Lady M: Oh, shut up Harold!

Macbeth shrugs

Lady M: Right, well let’s go kill the king.

Macbeth: That’s not what Audrey recommended we shou….

Lady M: Let me call the guards to arrange the slaughter of the king.

Macbeth approaches her and puts his hands on her shoulders.

Macbeth: Sweetie, why don’t we listen to this counsellor for once…

Lady Macbeth: Get your hands off me Harold!

Macbeth: Sorry Judith.

END SCENE

 

 

Original Image by Ashlea Phillips 

James Routledge 2016