10 Easy Steps to Becoming a Radical Republican
I give you my 10 Easy Steps to Becoming a Radical Republican...
Rick Astley | 12 December 2016

The 2012 Presidential Election was one of the closest and most aggressively fought battles in the country's short history, but maybe we need a quick recap. Now in the blue corner we had Barack Obama, leader of the Democrats and reigning champion, whose original campaign slogan mimicked childhood hero Bob the Builder; and in the red corner we had Mitt Romney, leader of the Republicans, whose campaign slogan 'Keep America America' happened to closely resemble that of the KKK in the 1920s.

 

Although Obama emerged victorious (meaning the world could heave a huge sigh of relief -- Mitt Romney does not have control of nuclear weapons), there may be those of you wishing to know more about Romney and his Republicans. And as, according to Romney, 'England is just a small island' which 'almost certainly would have been lost to Hitler's ambitions' if it weren't for the sea, clearly our population could do with some new political role models so that we might one day be as great as the Americans.

 

And so I give you my 10 Easy Steps to Becoming a Radical Republican...

 

1. Fail Biology: Forget every piece of biological knowledge you have relating to the female body, particularly any knowledge regarding the female reproductive system. It's all lies. All of it. Much like one does not simply walk into Mordor, one does not simply get a woman pregnant. As any good Republican knows, female bodies have special defences that stop a woman getting pregnant in the case of rape. Take Todd Akin, for example: he knows that 'if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down'. To quote good Republicans Richard Dobbins, Stephen Freind and John Willke respectively, these ways include 'a hormonal response that prevents ovulation', 'a certain secretion which has a tendency to kill sperm' and 'spastic tubes' to stop the sperm. Not to mention the fact our friend Henry Aldridge so kindly reminded us of back in 1995 that when a woman is 'truly raped', 'the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work and they don't get pregnant'. Ignore the fact that all of this is contradicted by biology because you're a Republican now -- you don't need science!

 

2. Become a Murderer: In order to truly succeed as a Republican, your stance on abortion needs to go beyond the reasonable pro-life position. It isn't enough to simply value the life of a foetus, oh no. You must value the life of a foetus moreover the life of anyone. Think fundamentalist Catholic and take it one step further. Follow in the footsteps of those who proposed a bill in South Dakota to legally allow a husband to murder a doctor trying to perform an abortion on his wife, regardless of whether or not the woman wants the abortion, by expanding the definition of 'justifiable homicide' to include protecting the life of an 'unborn child'. If you want an alternative approach, why not support Joe Pitts' 2011 bill (HR 358)? At present, under the EMTLA bill of 1968, hospitals are required to save a person's life or transfer them to a hospital that can. Should Pitts' genius bill go ahead, hospitals would be free from any abortion requirement under EMTLA, meaning that they would not have to perform an abortion, even if it would save the woman's life. Who cares that you just let an innocent woman die - you briefly saved a potential human life!

 

3. Ignore the Constitution: Remember that great document the forefathers of America drew up? Forget it! When they said in the First Amendment that 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion', they didn't really mean it. What they meant to say was 'Congress shall make laws respecting the views of conservative Christians, and conservative Christians only'. Equality for all? Don't be silly! In a literal reading of the Bible women were inferior, therefore only ridiculous 'radical feminists' would argue that 'justice demands that men and women be given an equal opportunity to make it to the top in the workplace' -- so says our great prophet Rick Santorum. Good Christians don't approve of birth control, so good Republicans don't either! How dare Obama make birth control free for all American women under the Affordable Care Act? How distinctly un-American of him! The gospel according to Rick Santorum says that birth control is 'a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be' and as a good Republican you will repeat this mantra until you are blue in the face.

 

4. Make Ridiculous Comparisons: Ignore the fact that you are probably a perfectly intelligent human being and, when making analogies to prove your point, pick the most far-fetched comparison you can think of. Stuck for ideas? Have no fear, Republicans all over America have some excellent ones for you to choose from. According to Mike Kelly and Rick Santorum, the Affordable Care Act and gay marriage are both comparable to 9/11. Or you could take Michelle Bachmann's approach and compare teaching elementary school children about homosexuality to child abuse; or, you could take a leaf out of Glenn Grothman's book and say that 'non-marital parenthood [is] a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect'. The more preposterous, the better!

 

And there you have it, the quick and easy guide to becoming a Republican. No matter that there are only 4 parts to my 10 point plan -- if Republican politicians can ignore the rules of basic human decency, I can ignore the rules of basic mathematics.

 

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are solely the views of the writer, and not INK as a whole. Furthermore this article is a comment on foolish statements and ideas made by Republican politicians in the US, it is not an attack on every single member of the Republican Party.

James Routledge 2016